prenups aren't just for rich people
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Ah, getting married. Isn’t it romantic? When you’re fussing over diamond clarity grades and which shade of peonies will pop against your bridesmaid dresses, chances are the last thing on your mind is Who will get the mini-schnauzer and my 401K if my husband has an affair with his chiropractor years from now?

Yes, drafting a prenup is the Ebenezer Scrooge of premarital decisions. But marital therapists and matrimonial lawyers universally agree that it’s critical for couples to talk about money, and carefully consider the pros and cons of formally agreeing on how they will divide up assets in the event of a divorce—before they get married. Think of it as an insurance plan you will hopefully never need, says NYC matrimonial lawyer Ettrick Campbell. “Generally speaking, it is a lifesaver for both people if the relationship goes sour”—yes, he says, even the partner with fewer assets—”because it spells out exactly how issues of custody and equitable distribution will be resolved without subjecting either party to a long, drawn-out, expensive court case.”

Without a valid prenup, any financial settlements will be governed by the divorce laws of the state where you live, says NYC divorce lawyer Robert Cohen. This can be both good and bad, depending on your bank accounts. “In most states, the law is quite generous to the ‘untitled spouse’—the one with significantly fewer assets and income.” For example, New York state prohibits people from completely disinheriting a spouse. That means that even if you cut your significant other out of your will—perhaps you’re splitting up and want all your money to go to your kids from a first marriage—your spouse would still have a legal right to one third of your estate, regardless of whether you have kids together.

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Ultimately, “a prenup can be empowering,” says psychologist and relationship expert Judith Rabinor, PhD, author of How to Befriend Your Ex After Divorce. “I’ve seen it actually bring couples closer by forcing them to talk about the hard stuff and be really authentic and open with each other.”

We asked the experts to dispel some of the other common misconceptions people harbor about prenuptial agreements. Grab a mug—here comes the tea!

Assumption #1: I will seem money-hungry or stingy if I bring this up.

Truth: Leading the convo with love can strengthen your relationship.

Experts say the best way to avoid a negative impression is to lead with a more neutral topic. Marriage, after all, is about sharing a life, not just cash.

“Start by talking about something other than finances,” suggests Campbell. Like, “If we ever get divorced, who will take the dog? What would we do with the children? Or, hey, I want to make sure we have adequate life insurance for Billy.” Another possible way in is “I understand that your mother and I don’t have the greatest relationship, but I want to make sure that if anything were to ever happen to us, she would still be in our children’s lives.”

Rabinor believes it is also important to acknowledge how sensitive the topic is—and assure your fiancé that it has nothing to do with doubts you have about your relationship. She offers this script: “I don’t want to be a downer, because I intend to be married to you for the rest of my life. But I wanted to bring up something that has crossed my mind recently. What would happen if I quit my job to raise our kids and then we got a divorce?” The more you couch the conversation in loving terms that show your desire for a deeper, more authentic connection, the better, she says.

Obviously, the specifics of the conversation will vary depending on whether it is a first, second, or third marriage. But one tip Rabinor suggests is referencing a prior experience that impressed upon you the importance of financial transparency. Perhaps it was a childhood fraught with financial instability or a previous partner who blew all your savings on a secret gambling habit. “It’s really about your partnership and talking through the reality of how you will work together as a team to accomplish your dreams and mutually support each other,” she says.

Assumption #2: Marriage is about love and romance. Period.

Truth: Marriage is an emotional and financial partnership.

While many folks “get swept away by the great dopamine rush of falling in love, there is a whole practical, financial side of marriage that people often never even talk about,” says Rabinor. “A prenup forces you and your future spouse to talk about money in a way that’s very open and transparent, and that’s critical to the long-term viability of your marriage. The more authentic you are as a couple, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to deal with the hard stuff that eventually comes up in all relationships. The hard stuff doesn’t just go away because you don’t talk about it.”

Indeed, study after study shows that the ability to see eye to eye on money issues plays a huge role in long-term marital success, so wouldn’t you prefer to peel back that onion before it becomes a sludgy, rotten mess at the bottom of your fridge? According to a study published in Couple Family Psychology, at least one spouse in 55.6 percent of couples seeking to dissolve their marriage cited financial problems as a “major contributor to divorce.”

As for timing, Cohen recommends drafting a prenup at least six months before your wedding, even before you put down deposits on the music or venue. This gives you ample time to compare financial goals and values (a bond-building exercise that marital therapists like Rabinor can facilitate), gather a list of assets, draft a plan, and review it with a lawyer—a process that, believe it or not, can bring you even closer together.

Leaving this sensitive task to the last minute is highly discouraged. “Many states require a prenup to be delivered in advance—generally 30 days—for the document to be viable,” says Cohen, and others (like New York) don’t have strict laws deadlines. But if you wait until the last minute, your partner will likely feel betrayed and upset, possibly derailing your union altogether.

Campbell believes women should bring it up even earlier in a relationship if they are at a stage in life where they know they want to get married. After all, he says, who wants to waste three years in a relationship that could implode the moment the conversation turns to the P word? “I don’t think it’s ever too early,” he says.

Assumption #3: Only rich people need prenups.

Truth: Countless other circumstances can warrant one.

“People think prenups only deal with finances, but many don’t realize they can resolve issues such as equitable distribution, child custody, and even whether a spouse can disparage their partner on social media,” says Campbell. “A good prenup will take into account what each party brings to the relationship. So let’s say someone is marrying a billionaire, and they mutually decide that it’s better for their marriage if the non-billionaire forgoes going back to school or pursuing a career. A prenup can essentially compensate that person for that.”

Prenups are also a good idea for people who may not be wealthy now but stand to inherit a significant amount of money. “Inherited money that is kept separate from marital assets in a separate account or a trust fund is generally safe,” says Cohen. But what happens if, say, one partner decides to take some of their inheritance and invest it in a down payment on a marital home? The law gets a little more gray there, says Cohen. “If it’s commingled, it’s generally considered a joint marital property.”

A few other reasons “non-wealthy” people may want to consider a prenup: the existence of kids from a previous marriage, a significant discrepancy in retirement savings or accrued debt, different spending habits, and any serious habit or problem that could lead to a dissolution of marital assets (like gambling or substance abuse). Bottom line: While everyone wants to enter a marriage with a sense of optimism, many of us need to reframe the way we think about prenups. Instead of seeing them as admissions of doubt, Rabinor encourages her clients to view them as a “part of a larger conversation about merging and independence.”