The holiday season is here–and with it comes festive gatherings with friends and family. Arm yourself with conversation ideas that spread a joy and kindness, so you're prepared for any social situation that comes your way.
1. "Take your time. I'm not in a rush."
This one is great for the grocery store, the takeout burrito restaurant, or anywhere else that involves really tired people trying their best, even as they fumble and flail. For example, the woman in front of you pays the cashier but then has to rifle through her overstuffed wallet to put away the change, then store the receipt, then mash the whole fat leather money accordion into her purse. She will usually complete this action with frantic fingers because she knows she’s delaying the whole line, she knows everybody just wants to go home, and she knows she should not save old, mostly used-up gift cards with 63 cents on them. Telling her, “Take your time. I’m not in a rush” always sets off the same reaction: first, surprise (really? because everybody’s in a rush...), and then a flash of sweet, wide-open relief. You have just given somebody a three-minute holiday, not from the stress of life, but from the stress we put on ourselves.
2. "I just can't make this decision without you."
Everybody likes to be liked for who they are. But there’s a special kind of glow that comes when somebody likes what you think and openly asks for your help in making a decision or in figuring out a messy problem. This may also be another way of expressing that most honored of human emotions: trust.
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3. "You bring me joy. You make me happy."
There’s ticker tape in most of our brains that spits out these kinds of loving phrases at regular intervals throughout the day. But the phrases themselves don’t make it to our mouths because they seem cheesy or we don’t know the person well enough or we were raised by people who shook our hands when they really wanted to hug us. Interestingly enough, people don’t titter nervously when you say these so-called “overused” things to them. Nor do they run away. They may smile wildly or just slightly, but inside, little Roman candles of happiness are going off. Just say it, and if that’s too goofy or embarrassing, text it.
4. "That's awful."
Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is not to ask a bunch of probing, sensitive questions. (“So what are you really feeling? Shock? Terror?”) Or try to think of a way you can fix it. (“Have you looked into natural herbs? Have you called those clinics in Bora Bora?”) Or to offer to help. (“I’ll drive you! I’ll clean your house! I’ll make you a lasagna!”) Or even to apologize over and over, explaining that you know you didn’t make the horrible event happen, you’re just sorry it happened. Sometimes you need to take you out of it. A person in your life is upset and scared and maybe even in denial. Recognizing what’s really happening gives that person the rare and much-needed opportunity to look at this terrible thing with somebody, instead of alone.
5. "You have a genius not understood by mere mortals."<
This was probably said to Einstein. But you can say it to anybody in those moments, say, when you catch your new boyfriend in the shower...with his yoga mat. Or you go over to your best friend’s house and find her layering her sandwich like this: ham, cheese, lettuce, onion, ham, cheese, lettuce, onion, hamcheeselettuceonion. We all have these quirky rituals. They are a little bit screwball. We usually do them alone. But they save time (for example, rinsing off a yoga mat while you rinse yourself) or just work better (for example, making 12 individual layers of sandwich filling ensures that you'll get a little taste of all the flavors in each bite). Understanding the reasoning behind these private processes and praising the person for them is a moment of respect. You're not saying that you are going to do it at your house—which would be a lie—but you are saying that their idea makes sense, right in the moment they most expect to be ridiculed for being a complete kook.
6. "I am not inviting him to my birthday party."
Everybody wants to feel protected—especially when they've been dumped. Offering to full-on hate somebody's ex certainly lets her know that you're on her side. But hate is exhausting; it sucks a lot of energy. Plus, it doesn't make rational sense if you've never even met the ex. Instead, follow the kind of loyal, immature path of kindergarteners everywhere and declare the offender crossed off your birthday list. It will not only make the injured party laugh but also create the pleasing fantasy of her drinking Champagne and dancing on a table while the dumper sits home in front of the TV, crying over a carton of cold, limp egg foo young.
7. "I saw what you did, and it restored my faith in the human race."
Oh, the things people do! The woman who climbs up two flights of stairs at the airport, then climbs back down to help an old man with his suitcase. The guy who picks up the public trash can on the corner that fell over. Everybody walking by notices these tiny kindnesses. So few will take the socially risky, even embarrassing step of approaching the complete stranger and thanking them for what they’re really doing—helping us remember that, despite the constant headlines, human beings don’t just invent Ponzi schemes and burn up the ozone layer. They also offer to share their umbrellas with strangers during pouring thunderstorms, even if it means their backpack might get a little wet.
